TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it will have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally recognized for historical tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It should be large. Tremendous!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had attractive ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the most effective. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and fully out of position. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable h2o. But yes, absolutely sure, let's have One more position exactly where American Adult men can use robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains as well as a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful under the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is simpler: offer Every person a set around the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, complete with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable ability," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a tower in the war zone. It truly is that he must quit using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You are aware of, gentleman, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Wonderful tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility from the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head obvious from Area, a function currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following acquiring the building's gold plating reflected much daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just unsightly. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest factor on the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian Bed room, comprehensive with local weather Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Regional Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-aged Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Permanently."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator to the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is previously attracting notice from international investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial degree may even incorporate:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Depending on the Iraq War





Remark Part Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to determine a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in lieu of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a resort exactly where my PTSD might have switch-down support."


Another article from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews advise:




  • China may perhaps open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to build a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In Trump Tower Damascus line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the very best flooring "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It required gold. It essential a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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